Pellet Part Two: Programming Others

I wrote in my pellet entry about my need to avoid making mistakes, and why it is such a big deal for me; I explained that part of my self-image is that I am a good planner, and when I screw up it’s easy to beat myself up about it. I went on to say that I sometimes take this as far as planning on behalf of others, and left that topic for another day. Today is another day. Another day with the humidex nearing 40° (104 °F) and I’m holed up in the bedroom with the window air conditioner. A perfect time for introspection.

Part of the way that my brain takes in information is by taking incoming facts and connecting them to existing ones. Thus, as people tell me about what they’re doing, or as I review an organisation’s plans, it seems very obvious to me where the pitfalls or potential problems are. It then seems kind of mean to just let the person fall into the traps along the way… of course I should point out the problems and save them the trouble.

The problem is — as you may already have surmised from the tone of the last paragraph — this position is a bit patronising (if well meaning). It’s funny how I haven’t thought of it this way in the past, but trying to help really requires you to take up the position that the other person cannot do it themselves. Stepping in to help when asked is one thing, but jumping in to a situation to give advice can be problematic. It is problematic for both the helper and the helpee.

Why problematic for the helpee? The helpee can go in one of two directions in this case. The first direction is to be frustrated that the helper is not providing the desired response. The helpee, for example, may be upset that something isn’t going well, and instead of providing the desired support the helper starts analysing the situation and looking for a solution. The other possibility, especially in close relationships, is that the helpee steps back from all planning and responsibility — letting the helper take over.

Why problematic for the helper? For one thing it is a stressful life: You walk around seeing the problems in everything, feeling dread for others all the time. With organizations you pass the point of being an activist for positive change, and take setbacks as personal affronts. For another thing it is ultimately a thankless task (no one is asking you to do this, or they are taking advantage of you) and likely a futile one as people do what they will.

Those are obvious helper drawbacks, but what if you become obsessed with this helping behaviour?

You may be familiar with the term co-dependency but may not know its origin. It comes from looking at alcoholics, and is a pattern of behaviour exhibited by partners and families of the addict. The canonical example is of the co-dependent wife becoming fixated on solving the addicted husband’s problems, often winding up in situations she doesn’t want to (like making excuses for his behaviour to his boss) because she feels she has to. It is a complicated issue, frought with circular patterns of behaviour on all sides. (The term Co-dependent is rooted in a sense of being also dependent on alcohol, even if you’re not the addict.)

Why have I brought up co-dependency? Because this type of relationship is the logical extension of the problems of the helper and helpee above.

Consider a scenario where the helpee starts to step away from planning and control, and the helper takes over these tasks. Then what happens when the helper sees that their interests are at odds with the interests of the helpee? If they are obsessed with helping, they may satisfy that obsession instead of furthering their interests.

If that last paragraph went by a bit fast, here’s an example of what I mean: Let’s say the helper has taken over the task of doing the helpee’s dishes, but is tired one night and doesn’t feel like doing them… This is a no-win situation for the helper because if they don’t do the dishes they feel like they are doing a bad job in their self-appointed role (as aggrieved dish doer) but if they do clean them then they are doing a bad job of taking care of themselves.

In short, serious co-dependents do everything because they believe they should rather than doing what they want. They often wonder why no one is reciprocating… and it is because what they are doing is unreasonable. (It’s just that it doesn’t feel unreasonable to them to intervene to avoid the disaster they fear will unfold if they back away.) They also fear backing away from the helper role because it defines their social lives and makes them “useful” to their friends.

So, let’s get back to the case at hand: me me me. I identify with the somewhat disconnected and selective picture of co-dependency that I’m painting. But where does this all intersect with my trajectory in life? It clearly is not coming from contact with addictions, and I think it is coming more from my pellet-fleeing behaviours and the planning system that underlies them. I also feel I’m useful to people and liked because I am helpful to them, which is likely over-simple, but feeds the need to “help”.

Now, there’s loads of information out there on co-dependency, much of it uncomfortably cult-like and it all points to a weird proselytising 12-step program which (at least for me) is taking this whole analogy and coincidence of behaviours way too far. However, it does make me think a bit… will the world really end if I don’t attend the AGM of the co-op? Are my relationships really built on being needed? And is it really true that others are incompetent and need my help all the time? The answer to all these questions is no.

So, just as I am trying to be less self-critical and hyper-careful (I’m trying to settle for self-aware and reasonably cautious) I am also trying to see others as competent and capable. Trying to self-monitor less. Trying to identify things that I like and want, without always trying to identify their felicitousness to the “projects” I have been making out of those around me. It may not happen overnight, and likely won’t ever happen 100% but just being aware of it is changing my outlook. And that’s a good thing.

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› self     2005-06-13 23:35   ...2