As many of you know I repeated the Running Room clinic this year. It really is a good way to get kick-started for the summer. The first week (March 7th) we actually ran on the canal, and as with last year the culmination of the clinic was the 5k on race weekend.

This year has been a bit different from last year. For one thing I have actually gotten to know the people in the clinic this year, and have been running regularly with a running partner from the course. She and I (and a friend of hers) ran the 5k today at a very comfortable pace (aside from a little rubber burning right at the end). I really felt quite relaxed as we did the run, quite unlike last year’s feeling that I was going to expire, and ran it in about the same time as last year too (45 seconds slower or so this year).

Altogether a different experience. I am glad we started near the front this year which meant we could avoid bowling all the walkers over along the way.

Definitely something I would consider doing again next year.

 › sports     2005-05-28 23:55   ...1 comment

We visited the current owner of our house this evening. The purpose of the visit was to ask her how the heating system worked, a few other questions and to make many measurements. We also saw the back yard sans snow… it is quite attractive and surprisingly private with its richly leafed hedge.

The measuring happened in the way you would expect. The person was very nice and clearly has put her heart and soul into the place. She told us many stories about her renovations, told us exactly what stains she uses on her woodwork and explained all about the plants she has.

It was nice to know something about the person who made the house what it is today; I think she was happy to know that a nice young couple is buying it and will appreciate it too. She will leave us her new number in case we need anything, which is nice. Also, she has a deskfull of papers and receipts and warranties.

And we still like the house. 21 days until it is ours. 28 days until we move.

 › domicile     2005-05-26 00:29   ...0 comments

What then in the last resort are the truths of mankind?
They are the irrefutable errors of mankind.
    — Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

A few weeks ago Jen and I were discussing my outlook on life. She has noticed that I tend to get very worked up and nervous at times where a decision needs to be made and the choice isn’t clear. You may think that this is perfectly normal, but I get worked up even over inconsequential decisions like whether to go to a movie or to rent one. The question is: why am I like this?

The answer: I do not like to make mistakes.

More specifically, I don’t like to make planning errors. I live in fear of them. My biggest worry is that I will look back on a decision and realise that if I had made a different choice I could have prevented some bad outcome. Again, my obsession with mistakes is revealed by what counts as a bad outcome; it is a serious problem if I use shirts and shorts in the wrong order and wind up with a pair that doesn’t go at the end of the week. (The previous principal clause should not be interpreted as an endorsement of my fashion sense.)

In order to understand why I don’t like these kinds of mistakes, I have been thinking about what I see as the essential qualities of me. Now, I was an old-school computer programmer from the start. (I decided when I was in kindergarden that I would do pretty much exactly what I am doing now.) It would not be an exaggeration to say that the essential function of a computer programmer is to think through a course of action very clearly in order to achieve exactly the desired outcome, with contingencies for all possible errors along the way. I am an uncompromising computer programmer; in some sense this approach to accomplishing things has come to take over my entire life, not just the digital part of it. In some ways I have become a human programmer of myself. Based on my conversation with Jen I now feel sure that this aspect of my personality is at the heart of my feelings about making mistakes.

Now your average guy is averse to making errors because he knows that he will feel very stuck if he gets into a bad situation and that he will wish fervently that he had seen it coming. The average guy, however, feels that the essential aspects of himself do not include a highly reliable preplanning system which avoids all errors. Thus, the average guy feels bad about making a mistake, but this does not necessarily affect his self-image.

In this case I am not the average guy. As a computer scientist I follow logical principles in planning and analysis of situations, and this carries over into the human programming side of my personality. Accordingly, a mistake not only carries the practical consequences of the error, it provides logical counter-evidence to an argument that says “an essential part of me is that I anticipate mistakes in advance and avoid them”. Because I pride myself on my skills at analysing situations and ensuring good outcomes, a bad outcome is a blow to my self-image as the perfect human programmer of myself.

For reasons unclear at this time, Jen and I introduced the technical term turning into a pellet into this conversation. In our terminology, turning into a pellet is what you do when you become upset, depressed and sad because your own brain is beating up your self-image.

This essay started with the question of why I get worked up over all decisions, however inconsequential. The initial answer was that I do not like to make mistakes. The more fleshed-out answer is that I am scared of turning into a pellet.

So, now that I have come to this realisation what can I get from it? Here’s a list (in order of scaritude): First, preventing problems requires anticipating them; anticipation of problems in life is not as easy as anticipation of problems in an algorithm so I need to let myself off the hook if I miss a potential issue that comes along to bite me later. Second (and from a game theoretic perspective) I need to realise that this preplanning engine has a cost to operate; the movie rental example makes clear that sometimes the cost in stress to make the perfect choice is higher than the penalty experienced by making the wrong decision. Third, I have more to offer myself and others than a correct algorithm for living; if I make a mistake it does not mean that I have to attack myself and turn into a pellet.

The second requires the third. The third requires a broadening of self-image, or the logical equivalent of non-linear geometry. Adopting the second and third — however expensive — could have a big payoff. I am working on it.

There is some evidence that I extend my human programming to organizations and humans other than myself. But that is a tangentially related topic for another day. More on that another time.

We are all scared of turning into pellets — of being forced to confront our self-image. Turning into a pellet means different things to each one of us… it depends on how you see yourself. I suspect that it is related to the fact that we see ourselves as ideal inside, and pellet-inducing events have to do with imperfection. What’s your pellet?

 › self     2005-05-23 15:06   ...3 comments

Ottawa’s tulip festival provides a great place to take flower portraits every year. I have taken portraits in the past but have not gone with the digital camera to do so until now.

I took these photos last Wednesday on what has to have been the weirdest day of the year. It was about 25° when I went for my run… uphill both ways because of my weird route. When I got home I was dying of heat and had to have a cold shower. Then I went back out a couple of hours later and almost froze to death with the wind coming across Dow’s Lake — the temperature having dropped like 15° in the intervening time.

Anyway, enough whinging about weather. Here’s the flowers!

yes, the dew is faked… idea stolen from the owner of a bigger lens

Read the Complete Entry

 › photos     2005-05-17 23:04   ...2 comments

Coming soon to a cmh blog near you:

• On Making Mistakes
• Tulips Photoblog (shots are pretty good)

 › blogging     2005-05-12 18:49   ...0 comments

Finally, over 3 months after the start of the process, our mortgage is finalized! It’s a home-equity line of credit. At 4.55% with TD Canada Trust for the next 5 years. And it is final, with no inspection/appraisal required. A bodacious deal if I do say so myself.

Jen is telling me that I need to be happy and savour the success of the mortgage negotiations. (She is right, but it is hard not to just move on to the next stressful thing: insurance.)

Our house is one step closer! And with about 40 days to go it will soon be past time to start packing ;)

 › domicile     2005-05-07 16:03   ...4 comments

Chris passed along this article. It’s a retrospective story/interview with the guy who invented the Post-It note. Quite a good read!

 › cute     2005-05-07 15:56   ...1 comment

I generally do not write the ‘Hello, I still exist’ entry. Today, however, I am writing such an entry. This is because I lack the required number of functional brain cells to rub together to produce anything more edifying than dryer lint might if warmed slightly in a double boiler.

Suffice it to say that our mortgage is still not finalized. This is no longer the bank’s fault. At this point it is because Bank #2 called and offered a better deal. However, bank #2 employs used car salesmen to sell mortgages, so we took their offer back to bank #1 whom we like. This has generated (as I should have guessed) another 7 days of delay. Our nice bank lady that we like has gone on holiday, so we are breaking in another employee. Fun.

Insurance companies are the next conquest. It appears they are much more curious when you are actually going to own the house rather than rent an apartment. And when your house was built in 1907 it adds a whole new dimension to the process.

School continues. Unabated.

In other news, my running clinic is up to 18 minutes of running in 20.

Brain cells #1 and #2 are now totally exhausted, and they are the only two left so this entry is coming to a close. Off to watch a few minutes of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang that we bought on DVD for $9.99 at Rogers Video. Whee! (I may well fall asleep due to lack of brain cells.)

    2005-05-04 22:35   ...0 comments